I wish feminists gave as much “what to do” advice as they gave “what not to do” advice…

Leave a comment

… without some sort of framework to determine appropriateness, the male listeners may be left to conclude the advice only really applies to the speakers, and not generalizable, especially in light of the fact that not EVERY woman is constantly terrified.

Because without a “how to,” then we’re left to conclude sex and relationships just won’t happen because girls won’t ever initiate.

And it’s sad because I GET why women are terrified in some situations over others, and why some situations are inappropriate because of uneven power distance, but I can ALWAYS imagine coming off creepy to some women. It’s always in the back of my head that it’s a possibility but I know what I want from my life and I have to TRY otherwise it’s never going to happen at all. I HAVE to make mistakes and learn from them because no one’s just going to look at me and try to get to know me just because I exist. And I’m a human being with wants and needs and… dreams.

But I just find it especially interesting in light of the fact that on SO many levels it’s not something women generally have to think about, even if she’s unattractive it’s generally not going to be the case that she has to worry about THREATENING someone just by talking to them. Not to a guy OR to a woman. And they generally don’t absolutely HAVE to try to talk to anyone for a sex or a relationship to happen. If you just go about your business, eventually you can just respond positively when your finally in the right frame of mind.
And if they decide to talk to people, they don’t have to worry about being threatening to men OR women.

I don’t know what it’s like for gay guys, I suspect it varies. But I think it might be similar as far as fellow gay guys are concerned, not too much to worry from each other unless… specific reason to feel threatened.

Men and women are in a unique situation.

Bottom line, we’re going to have to put our heads together about this.
But the people with the list of “Do not”s aren’t going to come up with anything because they frankly don’t have to.
I don’t think it’s ever going to be within their collective frame of reference until several generations.
Or unless they start doing feminist campaigns for women to make the first move in dating/ propose to guys/ etc.

Best advice I can give is try to find as many different stories about men successfully talking to women for the first time from her POV and try to find repeatable patterns in context and content of interaction. (I wonder if there’s a blog about this, or if I or someone else could make one.)

Then find a theory to predict positive response.

Let’s talk about how we talk about sex…

Leave a comment

Baring ethical or religious convictions otherwise…

Showing interest in sex too soon is often off-putting to women (and sometimes to men)…
Especially if the want something more than casual…
…of wait, interest in sex “too soon” doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with whether or not they want something more serious.

But it’s off putting if they want the sexual attraction to be based on something more “substantial” like… your GPA, or your pets, or your job, or your taste in movies…

Oh wait, those things can be just as problematic or feel just as “objectifying” as your appearance. “She struggles in ENG 410? Would not bang.”

And some people… all you know about them is that you find them sexually attractive for… something. And you don’t know anything else beside that. They might be a fun person in general, who knows.
And it doesn’t mean you’re incapable of more depth or that you’re a terrible human being or you’re a disgusting person.

So why should it be WRONG to be transparent about that?

Why do we still react this way? HOW do we still react this way?

Respect people’s boundaries and respect when they’re not likewise interested.
“But bring up sex too soon? Dealbreaker.”
Okay, remember to back off when that happens.

But as per this blog post, let’s question this.