I wish feminists gave as much “what to do” advice as they gave “what not to do” advice…

Leave a comment

… without some sort of framework to determine appropriateness, the male listeners may be left to conclude the advice only really applies to the speakers, and not generalizable, especially in light of the fact that not EVERY woman is constantly terrified.

Because without a “how to,” then we’re left to conclude sex and relationships just won’t happen because girls won’t ever initiate.

And it’s sad because I GET why women are terrified in some situations over others, and why some situations are inappropriate because of uneven power distance, but I can ALWAYS imagine coming off creepy to some women. It’s always in the back of my head that it’s a possibility but I know what I want from my life and I have to TRY otherwise it’s never going to happen at all. I HAVE to make mistakes and learn from them because no one’s just going to look at me and try to get to know me just because I exist. And I’m a human being with wants and needs and… dreams.

But I just find it especially interesting in light of the fact that on SO many levels it’s not something women generally have to think about, even if she’s unattractive it’s generally not going to be the case that she has to worry about THREATENING someone just by talking to them. Not to a guy OR to a woman. And they generally don’t absolutely HAVE to try to talk to anyone for a sex or a relationship to happen. If you just go about your business, eventually you can just respond positively when your finally in the right frame of mind.
And if they decide to talk to people, they don’t have to worry about being threatening to men OR women.

I don’t know what it’s like for gay guys, I suspect it varies. But I think it might be similar as far as fellow gay guys are concerned, not too much to worry from each other unless… specific reason to feel threatened.

Men and women are in a unique situation.

Bottom line, we’re going to have to put our heads together about this.
But the people with the list of “Do not”s aren’t going to come up with anything because they frankly don’t have to.
I don’t think it’s ever going to be within their collective frame of reference until several generations.
Or unless they start doing feminist campaigns for women to make the first move in dating/ propose to guys/ etc.

Best advice I can give is try to find as many different stories about men successfully talking to women for the first time from her POV and try to find repeatable patterns in context and content of interaction. (I wonder if there’s a blog about this, or if I or someone else could make one.)

Then find a theory to predict positive response.

Advertisements

Your Own Daughter!?

1 Comment

I’ve been asked before, “Would you want your daughter to grow up to be a prostitute? ”

I think it’s worth answering considering I’ve stated in other channels that I’m in favor of legalization.

Right now, the answer to that question is a resounding “NO.” That may sound hypocritical, but here’s why I say that:

The key word here is “want.”
I wouldn’t want my daughter to be in ANY situation that presents a significant danger to her health, happiness, or well being.
I wouldn’t want to be the one to constantly worry about her well-being.
Assuming she’s not being forced against her will, or drugged…
The working conditions for people in that line of work are atrocious, and society offers very little protection for them. She’s likely to be beaten and taken advantage of physically and financially. Not to mention the emotional toll, most of society looks down on them as either evil or dupes, and will not approve.
And/or imprisoned… for example I’m all for weed legalization too, but I don’t want any kids of mine going to prison for it. That’s a whole new batch of worriment.
Obviously I wouldn’t WANT that for any kid of mine.

Of course I’d feel the same way if my kid grew up to work in a sweatshop, became a political prisoner, got involved in a relationship with someone emotionally unstable, if my son became an altar boy, or if my daughter joined the military. This is the reality right now.

At the same time I’d like to make strides away from this reality, but it will be this way for some time. None of those things HAVE to be the reality for people in these situation, but they are. I think things should be better for people who do these things, but they aren’t. I’d like to be in place where I didn’t have to worry about these things. This is NOT that place…

…but it could be.

Rape is a Horrible Crime, And…

9 Comments

Every time I listen to/ read the stories of rape survivors, it’s usually their cultural, sociological, legal, or religious setting that MAKES it more emotionally devastating, and as such, is considered the worst crime in the world.

But upon realizing this… it occurred to me that’s it’s really each of US that makes it into what is is.

Just about every other crime where an attack/violation/exploitation/threat of violence/coercion occurs… doesn’t have this much bullsh*t attached.

Do you SEE what I’m getting at here? It’s OUR faults.

WE turn it into the worst thing in the world, and in doing so, inflict the worst thing in the world to the victims of this crime!

Then in making the perpetrators guilty of the worst crime in the world, nobody can objectively or compassionately examine why it happens, thereby leaving the reasons unexamined by anyone doesn’t think of them as not quite human, or by someone who is not out for blood. And letting it go on, and on, and on… unabated.

Don’t you get it!?

We’re WORSE than rapists!